Feet: The Oppo Review

"macanamera" (macanamera)
12/02/2014 at 12:45 • Filed to: oppo review, nsfw

It might feel like Porsche 911s or Ford Mustangs have been around since the dawn of man, but they haven't. The original mechanical structure of transportation, the foot, has been getting us from A to B for millennia, and since I don't think it's been done before, here is a highly scientific and objective and in no way subjective review of the human foot.

( Full Disclosure : My feet wanted me to review them so bad, they stayed attached to my legs for twenty-four years. You have to admire that kind of persistence.)

Exterior-

Largely a matter of taste, the human foot can be seen in many ways. I wouldn't call it beautiful, although some would (see: foot fetish). What I can say is that the foot is a classic example of function over form, and in that sense, the exterior is basically perfect.

Interior-

Highly complex, the interior contains 26 bones, 33 joints, and 100+ muscles, tendons, and ligaments. Anyone who has seen the inside of a foot (hopefully not you) might think it's rather gross, but it's hard to deny how well it works.

Acceleration-

With a 0-60 time of "never" (If I'm wrong, call me, I want to be your agent), one might be inclined to say that feet are slow. I disagree. Honestly, with 1 manpower behind them, I think a 20 mph top speed is actually quite impressive.

Braking-

I don't know. Just stop running I guess.

Ride-

Excellent, with basically no complaints. Even over the roughest terrain, feet are a smooth experience. While the ride quality does depend a lot on the tires (read: shoes) that are on, feet are highly versatile and take many different situations in stride (huehuehue).

Handling-

Admirable handling, again, in almost any terrain. Sure, your 458 Speciale might carve up Eau Rouge better, but how will it do in water? Or on a cliff face? That's what I thought. And your feet will almost certainly never randomly catch fire. Point, feet.

Gearbox-

1 speed. Exactly like a Tesla, except different in literally every possible way.

Audio-

I...really don't know what to write here.

Reliability-

Probably the most reliable thing to ever move humans. No oil changes, no transmission services, just change the shoes every while and boom, lifelong transportation. Oh, and they don't rust. Ever.

Value-

It's very hard to overstate the value of feet. They cost...nothing. They work...forever. 10/10, would be born again with feet.

DISCUSSION (28)

For Sweden > macanamera
12/02/2014 at 12:47

Tag this as NSFW

macanamera > For Sweden
12/02/2014 at 12:47

lol i should

Jcarr > macanamera
12/02/2014 at 12:49

Nice! Goes nicely with Leadbull's Walking Review

http://oppositelock.jalopnik.com/walking-the-ja…

Jagvar > macanamera
12/02/2014 at 12:49

Get a car, hippie!

CB > macanamera
12/02/2014 at 12:50

"10/10, would be born again with feet."

Nice.

Also, you forgot to consider athlete's foot and other odour issues. I feel like the smell can sometimes take away from the normally pleasant experience of feet. Ingrown toenails tend to ruin the experience of feet.

Gamecat235 > For Sweden
12/02/2014 at 12:50

TIL: Swedes has a [redacted by For Sweden]

macanamera > Jcarr
12/02/2014 at 12:51

Oh! I never saw that!

macanamera > Gamecat235
12/02/2014 at 12:52

huehuehuehue

macanamera > CB
12/02/2014 at 12:53

Well sure, but if I was writing a car review I wouldn't mention that it might suffer a blown head gasket in the future if it doesn't have one currently, you know?

macanamera > Jagvar
12/02/2014 at 12:53

I knew this post would excite you.

Actually, I'm going to change one of the pictures...

CB > macanamera
12/02/2014 at 12:55

Unless you're reviewing a Subaru.